Today is Christmas. I will not lose sight that it is a celebration of the birth of Christ. But I am alone. And lonely. And am not comforted by the few family and friends I have. I spent today alone. By choice. But then again, I didn't have other choices. My life is not ideal. My life is hard. Not hard like I have to work three jobs to survive and I have a husband who beats me. No...it's just dull and depressing and hard. I don't have much to be happy or merry about. I try to stay positive and upbeat. But it's hard. When your phone doesn't ring all day, and you get a fraction back of the Christmas cards you send out...You just know something is wrong. Life shouldn't be like this. It is a chore. It is work. But unlike others, I do not take comfort in my family and friends. All I really have is myself. And sometimes I'm not great company.
I think about what happened; what might have gone wrong. What I wish my life were like. I think it's too late to actually be that person. I wonder if I'll ever have love again. It's been over two years since my marriage fell apart. And I know he's remarried with a baby. And I haven't even had a boyfriend. It's quite hard to stay positive. It's very easy to begin resenting myself. No one really knows what I go through everyday. And no one really knows what I've been through. I smile. I laugh. But as corny as it sounds, I'm empty inside. I'm alone. I'm lonely. But it's Christmas. And I cannot sit here and think about John and his new family. He is not a nice person, yet it seems like life is rewarding him. And I cannot help but wonder when my turn to be happy will be. I make bad choices. I try not to. I've struggled to get back to a life where I could make it through the day without crying. But I hurt. And I do cry. I wonder if I'm a bad person. No one has called. It's hard not to wonder if I'd be missed if I wasn't here anymore. But I've fought that demon. And I must continue to. I wish you all a merry Christmas. Please cross your fingers for me. All I want out of life is love. I don't want money or fame or even stupid kids for that matter. I just want to matter to someone. Someone other than myself.
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