For those of you who don't know, and that may be a lot of you, my now ex-husband cheated on me only eight months into our marriage with his boss and got her pregnant. He never had the balls to tell me. Instead he told me he was having second thoughts about our marriage and moved back home with his parents to think things over. It was only when I hacked into his email (Save it!! I don't want to hear about how it's wrong. It was the only way I found out the truth.) that I knew what was going on. From that day forward he never told me what happened to my face or otherwise and tried to screw me over in the divorce. I never knew how long it was going on (I suspect it started before we got married), and my best friend, my new husband, never said he was sorry for hurting me. And worst of all, I never got to celebrate a 1st Anniversary.
They got married sometime after our divorce was final. And had that baby. A boy. Named after him. And I had always said I wouldn't want to name our son (if we were ever blessed to have one. Guess not) after him because I always thought that was a lame tradition. I would want my son to blaze his own path and doesn't need to be called "Little Bob" as opposed to "Big Bob." And no, my ex-husband's name is not Bob. But just as lame and plain.
Anyway, I would see them driving around the neighborhood, since they only moved to the town next door. Sometimes I would laugh. And sometimes I would cry. Life is cruel. But you have to find the humor in it someplace or you'll go crazy. (Which I almost did after I found out about him and her, but I won't bore you with that saga). They bought a house together, him, her, their new baby conceived while he was still married to me, and her two teen children from her previous marriage. Oh did I mention that she is like eight years older than him and/or me? Nice huh? It's not like he left me for some 18 year old bimbo. Just an old one.
And now through my Secret Squirrel ways I found out they are pregnant again. This time with a girl. And I literally do not know how to feel. At first I cried, but that could be because I'm getting my period next week and I had possibly the worst day at work ever. And now after my initial cry...what do I feel? I feel empty. I was scarred from that trauma, and he got to move on with his life seemlessly. I've got no boyfriend right now, and no guy I dated since my ex has been anything to write home about. I feel alone and lonely. And to be honest, kind of worthless. And those are all stupid feelings to have. And I shouldn't feel that way. But I do. And I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I guess the same way I've dealt with it for two years now...day by day. Minute by minute. This is my cross to bear alone. And it sucks. And that cross is heavy and makes me sick...but it's with me all the time. And they have babies, that coo and look up to them and have no idea what those two fuckers have done to my life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not psycho about it. But it's bothersome. And I'm sad. But I get up everyday and face the world with a smile. Or try to anyway. And hope that I can find someone to share the rest of my life with who would never ever hurt me the way my exhusband did.
And then maybe I can finally have a 1st Anniversary.
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