Do you ever have weird fantasies or day dreams? And no I don't mean weird sexual fantasies. It's totally okay if you do, and please do share, but that's not what I mean. Like, let me share one of mine. And you'll see where I'm coming from.
I want to be stuck in an elevator alone with Britney Spears. Again, not sexually folks. Just regular. I mean, where else would she be forced to talk to me without the paparazzi harassing her and/or some creepy friends she brought with her from Kentucky.
I really would just like to talk with her. I can't help but think I'd blurt out, "What the fuck is the matter with you??" I'm sure that wouldn't warm her up to me at all. I guess I could ask, "Hey got any drugs to pass the time?" And see what pharmaceuticals fall out of her purse. That could be fun. But honestly...to just talk to her.
Here is a list of things I'd like to ask and/or say to Britney Spears (in no particular order):
Ok, seriously, what happened with you and Justin? Did you really cheat on him with some backup dancer?
My favorite cover story of all time was on Us Weekly and it claimed that after the break up, you and Justin ran into each other in a club and had a freakin' dance off. Is there ANY truth to this at all?? (Crossing fingers!)
You were young, blond and had a slamming body. Not to mention you were worth $100 million dollars. And you shack up with Kevin Federline?? Ok ok, bad boy. I get it. But marriage?? And babies?? What the fuck were you thinking??
Have you ever tried to kill yourself? It's ok. You can tell me. I have...
So the second baby right away huh? Ever hear of condoms or birth control?
What made you decide to shave off your hair? Were you on drugs? Do you have them on you now? Can I have some?
When you're at home and your hankerin' for a Starbucks Latte....why don't you ever just stay the fuck home and send someone else? I mean, with all those cameras following you around. Doesn't it get tiring? You like it don't you? Don't you....? C'mon. You can tell me.
What you need to do is go away. Lock yourself up like Willy Wonka and don't come out. Fix your weave. Get in great shape. Stop dropping your kids in the middle of traffic. Just go away like Eminem did. You don't see him all over the papers and PerezHilton (by the way, do you hate him?). And eventually he'll come back with an album and we'll all be psyched he's back. You just won't go away. Go away Britney. Go away.
Why do you go into gas station bathrooms without shoes on? Doesn't that gross you out at all? And while we're on the topic of gas stations...how much gas does your car need? I'm pretty sure every time I see a picture or video of you nowadays, you are at a gas station. Go to a bookstore or something. Church even!
And last but not least: You have been captured on film without panties on. WHY are you not horrified by this? Why are you then captured two or three more times that week without panties on? WHY? People came out of that place Britney. No one wants to see it anymore. Believe me.
We can all dream!
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