No One Asked Me But...

VERY IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS FLASH!!

New Kids on the Block are reuniting and going on tour again.

That is not a typo.

I repeat: NKOTB is going on tour. No dates have been announced but I will plow over sick children in wheelchairs to get tickets.

Please visit www.nkotb.com to sign up for their newsletter.

What's your favorite NKOTB song??

Oh and my favorite New Kids, in order, are:

1) Jonathan

2) Jordan

3) Donnie

4) Joey

5) Danny

Happy No Anniversary!

For those of you who don't know, and that may be a lot of you, my now ex-husband cheated on me only eight months into our marriage with his boss and got her pregnant.  He never had the balls to tell me. Instead he told me he was having second thoughts about our marriage and moved back home with his parents to think things over. It was only when I hacked into his email (Save it!! I don't want to hear about how it's wrong. It was the only way I found out the truth.) that I knew what was going on. From that day forward he never told me what happened to my face or otherwise and tried to screw me over in the divorce. I never knew how long it was going on (I suspect it started before we got married), and my best friend, my new husband, never said he was sorry for hurting me. And worst of all, I never got to celebrate a 1st Anniversary.

They got married sometime after our divorce was final. And had that baby. A boy. Named after him. And I had always said I wouldn't want to name our son (if we were ever blessed to have one. Guess not) after him because I always thought that was a lame tradition. I would want my son to blaze his own path and doesn't need to be called "Little Bob" as opposed to "Big Bob." And no, my ex-husband's name is not Bob. But just as lame and plain.

Anyway, I would see them driving around the neighborhood, since they only moved to the town next door. Sometimes I would laugh. And sometimes I would cry. Life is cruel. But you have to find the humor in it someplace or you'll go crazy. (Which I almost did after I found out about him and her, but I won't bore you with that saga). They bought a house together, him, her, their new baby conceived while he was still married to me, and her two teen children from her previous marriage. Oh did I mention that she is like eight years older than him and/or me? Nice huh? It's not like he left me for some 18 year old bimbo. Just an old one.

And now through my Secret Squirrel ways I found out they are pregnant again. This time with a girl. And I literally do not know how to feel. At first I cried, but that could be because I'm getting my period next week and I had possibly the worst day at work ever. And now after my initial cry...what do I feel? I feel empty. I was scarred from that trauma, and he got to move on with his life seemlessly. I've got no boyfriend right now, and no guy I dated since my ex has been anything to write home about. I feel alone and lonely. And to be honest, kind of worthless. And those are all stupid feelings to have. And I shouldn't feel that way. But I do. And I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I guess the same way I've dealt with it for two years now...day by day. Minute by minute. This is my cross to bear alone. And it sucks. And that cross is heavy and makes me sick...but it's with me all the time. And they have babies, that coo and look up to them and have no idea what those two fuckers have done to my life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not psycho about it. But it's bothersome. And I'm sad. But I get up everyday and face the world with a smile. Or try to anyway. And hope that I can find someone to share the rest of my life with who would never ever hurt me the way my exhusband did.

And then maybe I can finally have a 1st Anniversary.

Got "Change?"

If Monty Hall came up to me right now and offered me a million dollars to tell him what each of the Democratic candidates for President's platforms were: I'd say "Pay up Monty!! It's ch-ch-CHANGE!! Ch-ch-Chaching!! Now show me the money!!"

Seriously. Have they talked about anything else? Let's go down the list. I know Hillary has 35 years experience. Um, Obama...he uh...I'll get back to him. And Edwards...he has spent his whole life fighting big corporations for change. Or something like that.

Last week I watched both debates. The Republican and the Democrat. It's no secret (I don't think) that I'm a Dem but I thought it was important to hear what each side had to say. You know, to be fair. *snort*

The Republicans are really gung-ho on Immigration and Illegals. I'm not sure when this became a really big deal. I mean, hello?? Who does Mitt Romney think is mowing his lawn? Now, I'm all for making our borders stronger. Mainly because I'm afraid some extremist will slip in and gas the train I ride to work everyday or something equally as terrorizing! I'm not too concerned with kicking out Juan who mops floors at Burger King. They keep talking about taking away jobs from Americans. Guess what Rudy...I don't want to mop floors at Burger King. So let them stay. But make them all citizens so they can pay taxes and shit too. Let's not hoard all the fun of being an American citizen.

But oh no...the GOP doesn't want to let any of them stay. You all gotta go. Some mass exodus I suppose. Why didn't Charlie Gibson ask how exactly that was going to happen? Like some Repo Man is going to go door to door and round up all the illegals and shove them in a paddy wagon and drive them to Mexico? Or Ireland? Or Brazil? I mean...HOW would that work? No one talked about that.

Next up: Health Insurance. They all agreed that America has the best health care around. We've got great doctors and hospitals and I agree! Go Medicine! But then Romney opened his mouth and said something about if a guy who makes over $75,000 doesn't have health care insurance, he should be held responsible for paying his bills when he does go to the hospital. Um....hold on. Are you telling me that a guy who makes close to a hundred grand a year is going to the hospital and then saying, "Oh I don't have health insurance. I cannot pay." FUCK THAT!! But seriously, who doesn't have health insurance who is making that type of money? Unless you're some awesome crack dealer that is.

So let's move on to the Left side of things. Barack Obama. What exactly is he talking about? Up until New Hampshire I hadn't really cared about any of the candidates, but now I thought, Ok with Super Tuesday coming up, let me see what they are all about. And I keep hearing about that Obama guy. And while it annoys me that Oprah and Jennifer Aniston are supporting him, let me open my ears to this young guy. So I did. And honestly, I didn't hear anything. It's also hard to speak out against Obama because I feel like a racist or something. And I'm not! I swear! But I always feel like I have to tack on a "I don't care that he's black or anything" when I'm talking about him. Just to be safe.

Back in '92-ish I wasn't even old enough to vote and I watched a young Bill Clinton give a rousing speech in Fanieul Hall in Boston. And that was all I needed. He made me interested in politics. And then when he ran for a second term, I proudly voted for the first time for him.

All I keep hearing about is the rock star feel that Obama has at his rallies. He's riding the wave of support. The media hasn't seen anything like it. Believe me, I was willing and able to join in the group of supporters for this young guy who wants to change things in Washington. But nothing he said made me join that wave. Sorry Barack. I'm not feelin' it.

Confession: Ok, I'm pro-Clinton. And I don't care what form that Clinton takes. AND I'm a woman. Look, let's face it: Hillary has the BALLS to be President of this country. I think she put her own ambitions on the back burner to help her husband rise to the top. And I bet that if Monica-gate never happened, and Hillary was not judged for her staying with her husband, and if Clinton left the white house with a balanced budget and a surplus and a high approval rating, I don't think ANYONE could beat Hillary Clinton right now. But that isn't the case. People really give her a hard time for staying with Bill. For all we know they had some sort of arrangement. Or maybe she didn't care. He needed her and she needed him. They were a political tag team of sorts. And I dug that. Still do actually.

And when it comes down to it, neither Obama or Edwards, nor Huckabee or Romney are the next JFK. No one is really winning everyone over. The media will try to tell you it's Obama, but that's only because they don't really like Hillary. And no, she doesn't seem very likable. But who cares?? She doesn't seem like a pushover. And as a woman, a democratic woman, I feel like I want to take part in this historic moment. Yes, girls can be president - I want to say this to my niece. And yes, I voted for President Rodham Clinton!

You go girl!!

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

Didn't you like...have a baby recently? Well, like, not you! But your ex-girlfriend. You know the one right? The one you left when she was preggo so you could shack up with that chick with the big nose and accent. What? I mean, Giselle the SUPERMODEL who speaks with a wonderfully quirky and by no means annoying accent.

So, if you have that son of yours living somewhere in California...then when you had this bye week to enjoy while not playing in the playoffs...why didn't you go visit him, or something? Why did I have to see you in the paper carrying around Giselle's doggy bag in New York (not California)? Literally. A bag she keeps her dog in. Literally.

Please spend a little more time with your son and less with Leo's ex.

Love,
Jen

P.S. Congrats on 16-0. Go Pats!!!

I Have a Dream!!

Do you ever have weird fantasies or day dreams? And no I don't mean weird sexual fantasies. It's totally okay if you do, and please do share, but that's not what I mean. Like, let me share one of mine. And you'll see where I'm coming from.

I want to be stuck in an elevator alone with Britney Spears. Again, not sexually folks. Just regular. I mean, where else would she be forced to talk to me without the paparazzi harassing her and/or some creepy friends she brought with her from Kentucky.

I really would just like to talk with her. I can't help but think I'd blurt out, "What the fuck is the matter with you??" I'm sure that wouldn't warm her up to me at all. I guess I could ask, "Hey got any drugs to pass the time?" And see what pharmaceuticals fall out of her purse. That could be fun. But honestly...to just talk to her.

Here is a list of things I'd like to ask and/or say to Britney Spears (in no particular order):

Ok, seriously, what happened with you and Justin? Did you really cheat on him with some backup dancer?

My favorite cover story of all time was on Us Weekly and it claimed that after the break up, you and Justin ran into each other in a club and had a freakin' dance off. Is there ANY truth to this at all?? (Crossing fingers!)

You were young, blond and had a slamming body. Not to mention you were worth $100 million dollars. And you shack up with Kevin Federline?? Ok ok, bad boy. I get it. But marriage?? And babies?? What the fuck were you thinking??

Have you ever tried to kill yourself? It's ok. You can tell me. I have...

So the second baby right away huh? Ever hear of condoms or birth control?

What made you decide to shave off your hair? Were you on drugs? Do you have them on you now? Can I have some?

When you're at home and your hankerin' for a Starbucks Latte....why don't you ever just stay the fuck home and send someone else? I mean, with all those cameras following you around. Doesn't it get tiring? You like it don't you? Don't you....? C'mon. You can tell me.

What you need to do is go away. Lock yourself up like Willy Wonka and don't come out. Fix your weave. Get in great shape. Stop dropping your kids in the middle of traffic. Just go away like Eminem did. You don't see him all over the papers and PerezHilton (by the way, do you hate him?). And eventually he'll come back with an album and we'll all be psyched he's back. You just won't go away. Go away Britney. Go away.

Why do you go into gas station bathrooms without shoes on? Doesn't that gross you out at all? And while we're on the topic of gas stations...how much gas does your car need? I'm pretty sure every time I see a picture or video of you nowadays, you are at a gas station. Go to a bookstore or something. Church even!

And last but not least: You have been captured on film without panties on. WHY are you not horrified by this? Why are you then captured two or three more times that week without panties on? WHY? People came out of that place Britney. No one wants to see it anymore. Believe me.

We can all dream!

Happy You Know What

It's a new year.  Finally. 

I think a new year has more significance for me than others because my birthday is on January 3rd.  That way, it's like turning over a new leaf in more ways than one. I don't bother doing new year's resolutions (never finished War and Peace from last year), but rather I have high expectations as to what I want to happen. I'm turning 32 and that is my favorite number. I want to do different things and travel to places I've never been this year. And most importantly I am planning on finishing my book. Ah yes, the elusive book that I swear I've been working on for ages. But seriously, I want to get it done. Bound and sent off to publishers that won't even bother reading it, and then sending me a rejection letter that will surely make me cry. So looking forward to that.

Recently when I was in Florida (Disneyworld of course, I wouldn't just vacation in Florida. Ew.) I stopped by the Japan pavilion in Epcot and learned about the Damura. You see, the Damura is this Weeble like thing based on a priest who prayed for nine years straight in a cave and so he lost his arms and legs (uplifting I know, please stay with me here). He is the symbol of all things optimistic. So he's got this Weeble like shape (Weebles wobble but they won't fall down!) and white circles for eyes. Creeeeepy! The whole point is that you are supposed to color in one eye with a pupil and make a wish. And then when that wish comes true, you color in the other eye. When it does. Or if I suppose. And then once the wish comes true you can either burn it and get another one or I guess just let that one collect dust on your bookcase.

Last night I colored in my eye with a Sharpie and made a wish. I prefaced it by saying that the words I speak can never do the wish in my heart justice, so start there Mr. Damura. But I tried my hardest to wish for something that I've always wanted. And while I wanted to wish for my book getting published. I didn't. And call me old fashioned but I fear that if I tell you what I wished for, it would not come true. Well I have 365 days of anticipation ahead of me. I'll certainly let you know if it actually comes true.

So a new year, another birthday, a new wish...and hopefully a new book and a new job and maybe a new boyfriend this year... maybe it's all waiting for me. Or maybe Polio is waiting for me. Who knows? The point is to wake up everyday and be hopeful and optimistic. Sometimes that's hard for me, but I'm going to try. Keep your fingers crossed would ya?

Happy New Year everyone!